By Carol Sandford


Chapter 01


I watch you moving around the room and it nearly kills me when I get a glimpse of your eyes; so cold, so distant. Was it so long ago that I saw love, and passion, back when I saw us and a future? Now all I see is past, and pain. I feel pain when I remember your lips close to mine, whispering to me, teasing me. I loved hearing your voice and the way you called my name, and the way that you said you loved me. Was it that long ago? Oh, God.

I long to touch you, more so now because I never will again. I never can. You won't let me. You don't want me to. If I touched you now you would recoil with horror. Not so long ago, I could have touched you everywhere and you would have wanted more, much more. But not any longer. Now I have to wrap my arms around myself to stop myself from reaching out to you, just to be able to touch you, just once, just for a moment.

What I want I can't have. What I want is you, but you don't want me. Never feeling your arms around me is enough to bring me to my knees, again and again. And again. These days it's not very often I'm off them. When I'm alone, when I think of you, it's where I inevitably end up; on my knees, crying like a baby, wanting what I need most; your arms around me. But I end up using my own, it's all I have.

I thought we had God on our side. I thought he'd given us something extra special, even more special than love. I never figured on him snatching it away from us just when we needed it most. Lord, I need it now. Only she doesn't. Instead God left me with something more powerful than love; a broken heart. I hope yours is broken, too. I hope that your heart is hurting as much as mine. I hope.

Seeing you everyday. Seeing your face, seeing you moving on, seeing you standing proud and tall, seeing that little tiny tremble showing me that you're hurting as much as I, somehow makes me feel a little better. I tremble too. Everything trembles. I've become an embarrassment. Coherency seems to have walked out the door around the same time that you did.

I try to be brave, and I try to be normal, but it's hard, it's so, damned hard. My friends know you've left me, even my soul knows you've left me. The only one that doesn't seem to want to acknowledge the fact is me; William Riker. Fool. Where did I go wrong. Why did you let me go wrong?

I had a dream, only that dream didn't include you, not way back when. When my dream finally came true, I forgot that you were a part of me. I got my destiny wrong and you didn't tell me until it was too late. I wanted a ship, you wanted me. I still wanted the ship. You let me have it. Why?

Too late. I realised too late that my dream had changed, along with my destiny. You were my destiny, Deanna, and I wanted you more than I wanted my dream. But you forgot to remind me. You forgot to tell me to search my heart instead of my dreams. If I had've done, you'd still be here in my arms. We'd still be living the fairy tale. We'd still be, Imzadi.

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